but everythingmeans nothing.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
hello. http://underappreciated.diary-x.com
life sucks. byebye. X)
if i ain't got you|11:52 AM
Sunday, September 25, 2005
MOVED ;
http://underappreciated.diary-x.com
if i ain't got you|10:49 PM
Saturday, September 17, 2005
HELLO. I'M ABANDONING THIS BLOG! OKAY I GOT A NEW ONE BUT IT'S NOT READY YET. HMMM BUT I'LL KEEP THIS ONE ALIVE BECAUSE I WANNA KEEP THE MEMORIES. PLS WAIT A FEW MORE DAYS. x)
if i ain't got you|2:34 PM
Saturday, September 10, 2005
hmm. decided not to post so depressing things anymore. X) but i'll start when TERM 4 starts. just so tired of everything not going my way.
okay so maybe i'll get a new skin or something and blog normally.
<3
if i ain't got you|7:25 PM
Saturday, September 03, 2005
i seriously don't know what to blog nowadays.
if i ain't got you|7:58 AM
yes yes once again in my life i've fallen. fallen into a deep deep hole. and i can't really climb out. read this letter and you'd find out what happened.
Dear Friday, 2nd September,
You were really mean to me. Firstly i had a headache the whole day long. And then there was this stupid evacuation thing in the morning. then after that was history. then miss ha came in to announce that she would give us the math result. then during recess, something happened. well i shall write another letter later to explain this. Bio in the lab was as unexciting as usual, and eng ; lit were normally boring. assembly was quite ok. I don't know but you made me feel that nothing was going my way at all. Maybe you are the start of whole entire fall of my life - that's what i feel now.
candice
Dear Math,
YESYESYES I NEVER TAKE BACK MY WORDS. I SAID TO YOU THAT I NEVER EXPECTED HIGH OF YOU! I EXPECTED YOU TO FAIL ME! BUT YOU FAILED ME CRUELLY. i expected a 10, a 12, or 15. BUT THEN? you gave me a 7. you know what 7 means?? IT MEANS TWENTY PERCENT OF THE WHOLE TEST. YOU. LET ME FALL INTO THE LOWEST PITS OF THE CLASS. YOU. HURT ME. YOU. MADE ME CRY. YOU. SPOILED MY DAY, MY LIFE. i don't know what to do with you.
candice
if i ain't got you|7:36 AM
Thursday, September 01, 2005
i can hear the birds chirping. i can see the sun shining. i can feel the keyboard. i can smell the air. and my head is hurting. i'm having a FEVER. GREAT. basically the last week of school isn't a really pleasant one. i hated yesterday. well i don't feel like saying why, but i'm just pissed with everyone not being to understand. sometimes i think. why must i be a human? why can't i be a grape (apparently i was eating grapes at that moment) . a human has to study, to think, to learn, to fall, to experience,and to fight emotions. but a grape only has to grow, let people eat them and transform into a seed again. okay i shall drop this subject.
i don't feel like writing about my daily life. i feel that its quite meaningless. the september holidays are going to arrive, and i know that its going to pass by so fast, so unfruitfully, like every holiday. since i know it's going to be unfruitful, i should start planning how to make it better. not only in academics, but also my state of mind. many people think i'm depressed. okay i think i'm just a tiny bit depressed. maybe i just always show a more negative side of things. hmmm but i won't say i'm not depressed. yesterday i went back to my primary school. everyone seemed so. happy. i didn't see any eyebags, i didn't hear any sighs, i didn't feel a sense of boredom/unhappiness. so i think they're quite contented with their current lives. how did they actually manage to laugh so wholeheartedly. and the teachers. everyone had changed. or did i?
i think this post is stupid. i guess its due to my high fever. but then i want to thank elaine and simin for being there for me <3<3<3
thursday morning ; in the dark.
if i ain't got you|8:30 AM
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Dear Math,
On thursday, you made me feel like an utter fool in that cursed classroom staring at the white sheet of papers not moving my pen. From young, you have been my best friend, I had trust and confidence in you always. But ever since I entered this school of such competitiveness, I knew that yours abilities would not be that strong anymore. But never did I expect, despite the reasonably amount of care i showed to you, you let me fall. What is the meaning of this? You are so important in life. You are the basics of life. You are so 'easy' to score. Why did you destroy part of my life.
In Term one, you reduced me to tears by letting me drop all the way to the last position of the class. But in the past, you NEVER did that to me. Even if I did badly, I was not ... the last. You know what the last means??? You should know. You are a most clever subject. But since you're not dumb, why not help me?
In Term two, you gave me a little light of hope by letting me score averagely in the test. And I felt that things were starting to go a little my way with you.
In Term three, part of you - algebra came and totally killed me with just an wooden rod in his hand. I never knew I was so weak. against YOU. Those times when I had so much faith and confidence had rapidly disappeared from my useless self. Yes, I keep talking about the past. Why? Because the past is what had happened. And why why why the things that has happened cannot be fulfilled in the present? I'm really confused. Yes i know last-minute works on you doesn't work, but you have to see my plight.
I'm totally disappointed in you, Math. I feel like a fool when I think of you now. Why can't I handle such a miserably weak midget like you, and instead get knocked down by you so easily? Yes I know, the mentality. But if not for you disappointing me, I would not have felt so lowly about myself. Of course, I know what to expect of you in the recent test. Perhaps nothing? Ahaha I'm prepared. to trash you my darling Math, and you better not dissipate all my hope and faith in you. Maybe you should not attempt to knock me down now, give me some confidence.
I think I should stop here if not you may be so hurt and you leave me. And if you dare, I will detest you forever.
Candice
Dear English,
The last formative test, I got the lowest in class. And a summative has just gone by. Can you help me to achieve better? I always had much faith in you. So you try not to bring me down.
Candice
Dear Chinese,
Past memories told me that I've always been excellent with you, my partner. And now, what is left of me and you is just a so tiny and brittle relationship, ready to break off any moment. The first term you let me down. The second term you let me down too. The third term you let me down again. I simply don't know what to do with you my ex-darling. I don't love you as much as I did last time. I do not have as much faith as I did before. However, I still have that spark of hope for you in me, so you. Better not disappoint me.
Candice
Dear Science,
My abilities with you were always the worst, but now, although you're not that good, you're at least better than your good friend math, and also your enemy history. Perhaps in Biology could you let me feel better with you and you can TRASH history up! Okay???
Candice
Dear Geography,
You are still so ever to me. Even though you did me well, I don't feel the passion and interest when i'm with you. And also, the new topic discussed now is not my type. Help me.
Candice
Dear History,
As a newbie, I didn't expect you the help me to the top of the school. As a newbie, I didn't expect you to help me do considerably well. BUT as a newbie, I did expect you to give me lower marks below average, as I know my limited abilities. Don't blame me for expecting so little of you, but I myself know my abilites. Sincerely I don't feel sparks with you. If we get a little closer and I shower more love on you, maybe you'd help me to do better??
Candice
Dear Literature,
I quite like you. You are not mean, not very kind and not very stubborn to handle. Unlike the other subjects, I can feel the interest in me when i'm with you. I like your first child, Poems best. He is so legendary, so full of mysteries to solve and yet so touching. He really did not fail you Literature, and also, your second child, Prose, I found that he was a very interesting boy. However, he was difficult to handle. Literature, your ancestor, Shakespeare had lead me to liking you more, and his product, the Merchant of Venice has not been really a bore during your lessons. I hope for an inseparable relationship with you, not only for the results, but also that passion.
Candice
Dear Bowling,
I don't know how much you have destroyed me this past year. Like all your friends, you have pulled me down, and now i'm hanging on a thin branch jutting out of the edge of the cliff, ready to lose my balance and fall into the volcano lava. However imaginative is that, my imaginations of you have not once been fulfilled.
When I crushed you, you didn't give me false hope. You let me lead ahead, and I loved you more than ever. And then lightning striked. Everything just went BOOM. You disappointed me. The confident grip on my fingers had disappeared. The powerful swing was gone. Uneven and conscious steps started to appear. What the hell have you done to me. And since then, I've been lowly looked upon. And I didn't like you anymore. All my dreams about you I purposely smashed. I didn't want myself to think so much wonderful stuff about you which cannot be fulfilled. And of course, if i didn't smash my dreams earlier, I would have got more and more hurt by knowing that my dream could not come true when the time comes.
After so many events about you had happened and gone, you are now somehow stagnant to me. Maybe I should take a break from you, from the happiness when i strike, to the depression when the dreadful thud of the ball in the gutter can be heard. However I still love you.
Candice
if i ain't got you|7:33 AM
Monday, August 22, 2005
goals and aims. dreams and inspirations. so near yet so far. so perfect yet so dangerous, ready to plunge you into a pot of misery.
don't be scared to fly alone. find a path that is your own
love will open every door. its in your hands, the world is yours.
don't hold back and always know, all the answers will unfold.
what you waiting for, spread your wings and SOAR.
`christina aguilera's SOAR.
young girl don't hide,
you'll never change if you just run away.
young girl just hold tigher,
and soon you're gonna see your brighter day
now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
its so hard to stand your ground when you're afraid
no one reaches out a hand for you to hold,
when you're look outside look inside to you soul.
life is a journey
it can take you anywhere you choose to go.
as long as you're learning,
you'll find all you'll ever need to know
you'll break it
you'll make it
just don't forsake it because
no one can tell you what you can't do
no one can stop you you know that i'm talking to you.
`christina aguilera's the voice within.
i woke up in the morning with a smile on my face
and nobody's gonna bring me down today
been feeling like nothing's been going my way lately
but i decided right here, right now, that my outlook's gonna change.
that's why i gonna
say goodbye to all the tears i've cried
everytime somebody hurt my pride
feelin like they won't let me live life,
and take the time to look at what is mine
i see every blessing so clearly,
and i thank God for what i got from above.
i believe they can take anything from me
but they can't succeed in taking
my inner peace from me
they can say all they wanna say about me
but i'm,i'm gonna carry on.
i'm gonna keep on singing my song.
`christina aguilera's keep on singin my song.
no matter what we do
no matter what we say
we're the song inside the tune
full of beautiful mistakes
and everywhere we go
the sun will always shine
and tomorrow we might
awake on the other side
`christina aguilera's beautiful
there's a heart that must be free to fly
that burns with a need to know
the reason WHY.
why must we all conceal
what we think
how we feel
must there be
a secret me
i'm forced to hide
i won't pretend that i'm
some one else
for all time
when will my
reflection show
who i am inside.
`christina aguilera's reflection
yes. i will survive. this week.
if i ain't got you|8:32 AM
Saturday, August 20, 2005
replies. <3<3<3
lanya: haha! hey thanks for your history files! <3 but you better help vanessa too. she's a teeny weenie bit angry. or you may say jealous?! sorry van.
mandy: hey. i had another history test just yesterday. hope i do better. >< i will jian chi xia qu wan!! X) whee anyway just came from league at orchid bowl. i bowled terribly lor, you should know. but i promise myself i'm not going to get depressed. anyway don't wear your skirt the wrong way again! X) <3<3
shenyang: ahahha. i didn't mean to sound upset. maybe it's the way i put my words or something. <3
grace: brazheng! how's life in rv? hope you're doing fine with your wushu yeah? must teach me how to protect myself from all harms. beckham rules. ahahha. you still like beckham ah? i thought you liked van nistelrooy or something. ok i'll take care and will remember i'm not alone. i have wushu expert to save me! <3<3<3
audrey: yo audrey. just came back from leagues. bowled terribly mann. hahah you may think i'm kinda extreme but i saved that convo i had with you la! i thought it was quite motivating and comforting. working hard for the week ahead.
xy: aiyo. cannot flunk! anyway I MYSELF cannot flunk. cos if i flunk, i may not be able to get into rgs sec two rp! ok but i'm at RISK. but i can't really afford many flunks. whatever that word is. so how's your studies doing now?
week 8 just passed miraculousy by.
that _ i just realised.
if i ain't got you|3:01 PM
Sunday, August 14, 2005
now i am awaiting my sentence --> the eighth week of term 3. however dramatic i put it, i'm not embarrassed or guilty to say that i simply dread the days of term three. this term had put me, in fact soaked me in a sea of miseries. its just simply eight words: i do not like to go to school. simply four words for the reason: i don't know why. explanation: i don't understand myself. but there's one thing i know. the answer to this question: what is the word that most commonly appears in your mind? not WHO is our new bio teacher. not HOW do we do algebraic factorisation. not WHEN does school end. not WHAT have i learnt. not WHERE is our chem practical. but WHY. just that simple three letter word allows me to waste half an hour thinking. i've decided not to think of the deadly thought that i can't get to sec two rp.but i don't think deciding means enough, cos what i want (decide) will not always come true. so problem is, how to stop that stupid thought from scaring me, or can i?
WHY is my life like this? i think it's simply like a jigsaw puzzle. many pieces make up my life. many past events both happy and sad make up my life. many traumas and surprises make up my life. many incidents and memories make up my life. however, in a jigsaw puzzle, all the pieces are important. if one is missing, the puzzle would not look perfect. however, sometimes, we do not have patience to go on, and we have the thought of giving up, or if we're angry and frustrated, slam all the pieces of jigsaw into the bin. if i was making a jigsaw puzzle, of my life. i would probably just throw away some ugly pieces that i simply detest into the bin, despite knowing that the puzzle would not even be nice. then we come to consequences. honestly i hate this word. now an impossible task for me to do is to control my emotions and do the puzzle properly. make it nice, perfect, all edges of the pieces are not frayed, not dirty, not mouldy, and the final picture would be perfect. that means a perfect life. but there's no such thing as a perfect life, is there?
i always need help. in terms of my emotions, feelings, schoolwork...etc. but i hardly do find help. partly because i feel it's rather embarrassing, well not embarrassing really, but i've let myself down to give up and actually call for help, someone else to teach you. its like if your other classmates can do it by themselves, why do you need to actually think of seeking help? but however hard i tried, i couldn't do it by myself. then i have the thought that maybe my classmates seek for help too. a big NO just appears. they are clever, yes they are. i feel as if i was some disabled person sitting in a wheelchair wanting to stand up, but i can't. sorry to say this but i know i'm VERY fortunate to be able to live normally and not to have any deadly disease. but since i'm so lucky, i must make full use of my life. and while i think i'm making full use of my life, while i think that i've put in a lot of effort. while i think that i ought to deserve something for all my worries, frustrations and hard work. nothing comes out straight. all of the consequences were bent, distorted, most of all, heartbreaking. it isn't that sort of heartbreak when your crush ignored you; it isn't that sort of heartbreak when you find that all your hard work has been wasted. it's just. heartbreak. you feel your heart breaking, in simple words. somehow the same as disappointed when you feel that your heart dropped to the lower part of your body. and when i receive that consequence, not only would i feel disappointed and heartbroken, i would feel. angry. when i'm angry. i can't breathe. i would not say anything. i would just keep quiet and try to answer all the wild thoughts and questions that would flash past my head. i think all these emotions are just a waste of time. but i can't stop them from coming, can i?
`you never know what is coming your way.
`a pack of ______ emotions//
if i ain't got you|7:30 AM
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
its national day. whoo. my first reaction was : SO?
i shouldn't be glad. why? anyway i have reasons.
piano exam on wed. GREAT. i have to face the black and white monochrome keyboard today the whole day! and scales just keep repeating in my head.
chemistry test on friday. GREAT. you know my chemistry isn't very up to standard. even bong my lab partner rolls her eyes at me when i ask stupid questions that if you can't answer that, aha a zero for the test. and. our experiments always go BANG. as in not explosions, but like never successful. i guess i'm a jinx.
yesterday was a highly exciting yet traumatising day. but i do not wish to talk about it. it makes me feel sad. and i do not wish to put what happened in my daily life here. but i want to put how i feel here. but because of those things that happened, then i got things to say about what i feel. sometimes, we never think that something would happen. but it happens. sometimes, we feel that something good/bad is going to happen. and it does. sometimes, you think you're going to fail. you didn't . you got the highest score in the cohort. sometimes, you think you're going to score miraculously well. you didn't. you failed. things are always like that. some say: confidence is the key to success. yes, confidence. but confidence has different faces. in many areas, like studies, games, even watching tv. but some say. cannot be overconfident!then you will suffer the consequences in the end! i don't understand. people want confidence. but cannot be over confident. its not easy to control our feelings. so i think as long as you're confident, great. but the more confident the better right? well i don't think the word over-confident should even be in the dictionary. because there is no such thing as different levels of confidence, you have it, you have it. well this is WHAT i feel.
i don't think ignoring someone for fun is thrilling unless you have some big problem in your head. it really makes my veins burst when someone ignores you for a whole week and suddenly says aiya i playing with you only. if you had helped your fren in a lot a lot of ways, and she does this to you, what will you feel? i'd feel like tearing her into pieces, insulting her, calling her a disgraceful and ingrateful ingrate. and then, i would think that how come i was so guillible to have actually helped her, getting her spiteful ignorance which was just an act of mischief?? idiot. i hate this feeling of being CHEATED. i know, i have a nice heart. but i know when to stop being taken advantage of, as in, not physically, but emotionally. i did so much for her, and yet she does it to me. i decided, ive been through so much of this in my whole life, i'm not going to give way any longer. unless she needs me and gives in to me, i'm not going to help her again.after all that i've done for her. never a word of thanks or gratitude. well i can accept that. cos sometimes its really quite hard to say it in front of people. but she should have done somethings for me to show her thanks, not ignoring me. if she had not acknowledged me after that week, i would have just given her a tight slap. i can't stand it anymore. after all this, i could never feel the sincerity in her heart ever again.
suddenly, i feel that one's birthday is not something big to celebrate. it's just a mark of the year that you've grown a year older. growing older isn't good. last time i wanted to be an adult. now, i wish i can stop time and go back to my childhood days. every year you grow older, the burden gets bigger. the burder gets bigger, more frustrations, poorer health, weaker heart. i don't see the need the celebrate, but sometimes, celebrating a birthday is just a form of a friendly gathering. birthday doesn't mean getting presents. suddenly i think. why must we receive presents on our birthday? it doesn't make any sense at all. really. the more i think about it, the more ridiculous it is. a sign of friendship, love, or care? anyway, i'm going to continue buying presents for birthdays, to show my gratitude for someone being there for me, not like someone who just doesnt cares, as long as she gets some benefits from you, not your friendship.
nothing lasts.
if i ain't got you|12:30 PM
Saturday, August 06, 2005
life is just like a song ;
made up of lyrics ;
the melody ;
chords ;
and the voice ;
the most important being the melody ;
without it ;
no lyrics. ;
the chords ;
assist the melody ;
and now ;
i'm just composing ;
crashes of chords ;
melody not there ;
the tune can't come out ;
the minor key is stuck ;
frustrated ;
i slam the scores ;
just ;
so ;
helpless ;
i didn't have the patience ;
i wasn't hardworking enough ;
yet angry ;
the reason ;
i then knew ;
picking up my pencil ;
the black notes ;
just came flowing out ;
out of that 2B pencil ;
and when my fingers ;
stopped moving ;
lying so still ;
in front of me ;
was a score ;
a song. ;
delighted ;
i played the piece ;
it didn't seem right ;
oh yes the lyrics ;
you know, success doesn't come so easily ;
the lyrics ;
represented my feelings ;
my emotions ;
never would write ;
lyrics that are not ;
me. ;
the lyrics were done ;
one more step to success ;
the singer ;
the voice ;
the most important essence here ;
must be the way ;
the feeling ;
of the voice ;
the desparate ;
the depressed ;
the cheerful ;
the angry ;
the voice must be able ;
to express all these ;
when the song is done ;
what you would hear is ;
a beautiful song ;
with nice music ;
meaningful lyrics ;
fantastic voice ;
but you would never see ;
the hard work that goes behind ;
the song.
if i ain't got you|8:44 AM
Sunday, July 31, 2005
life now is just like a marathon ; never ending
hurdle by hurdle ;
sprint by sprint ;
pants of desparation ; fills the still air
with a mighty heap ;
legs fly high ; over the hurdle
and looking ahead ; another hurdle
the heat screeching against the tired feet ;
the discouraging sun ; scorching down
footstep by footstep ; still too slow
trying to keep up ; lets out a high scream
but nothing worked ; still too slow
a heap of hurdles entered the eyes ;
a huge sigh ;
followed by a tinge of determination ;
but the will dropped ; when the hurdles drew nearer
the consequences ;
filled the mind ; the what ifs
over the first hurdle ;
over the second hurdle ;
at the third hurdle;
the legs hit the board ; agony
falling onto the floor ; thud
that thud of failure ;
that thud of despair ;
that thud of embarrassment ;
that thud of no will ;
that thud ;
attempt ; get back on feet
staggering ; helpless
weakened ;
the long track ahead lay upon the eyes ;
and for the first time ;
a light shone ; the light
of hope ;
of success ;
of determination ;
that light of the aim ;
a goal ;
but to the light ;
were thousands of miles ;
was a thousand hurdles ;
a hundred falls ;
ten cries of despair ;
and one strong heart ;
to overcome ;
to learn ;
to lead the way into the light ;
getting back on the feet;
looking ahead ;
still not that confident ;
but with failure ; comes success
with success comes experience ;
each drop of sweat ;
a good sign ;
each failure ;
a learning sign ;
the learning journey ; starts ahead.
if i ain't got you|8:23 AM
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Cdiv o5
i admit it was terribly sickening to watch your batchmates play while you are standing there shouting out for all you can getting warnings for teachers from other schools marking school work not to shout right into their ears. the whole week was an experience somehow expected, for i now learnt that what things you expect them to be will not happen. things that you wanted to do during cdiv, you forgot, no chance, never do. simple as that. instead, worse things happen. after four whole days of shouting our heads off, i didn't feel anything. i don't know why. no inspiration, no joy, sorrow, worry. its just NOTHING. why? a simple reason - i didn't even contribute to anything so why must i feel anything? its like IF we had gotten first, i wouldnt feel much joy. COS i didn't even play. AND i'm not being petty here, but all those numerous amounts of training - yet i didn't get in. and those trainings during the june hols were totally time consuming, not mentioning the irritating public transport taking an even longer time than a single training. and. missing four days of school is equal to being hospitalized for four days. i seem oblivious to anything in school the past week. don't understand what the others are talking about in terms of schoolwork and other new rumours and stuff. i don't know but i feel 'bad' (not guilty) sacrificing so much time for not being able to share the joy/sorrow of the team. i feel totally depressed. and my homework is going down and no one, obviously most of RGS girls are selfish and kiasu, wouldn't be that kind to spend fifteen minutes of their precious time teaching me what is solutions and suspensions. i cried when waiting for the guest of honor with nic. i think people think that i think madly. how can a girl not playing in the comp cry for no good reason? i couldn't control lah. but maybe not. maybe it was an unleash of all my troubles and thoughts the past few days of comps. the feeling of inferiority i guess. and now, i don't know what i'm living for.
Racial Harmony Day Concert 2o05
Its probably the most unreasonable concert ive ever participated in. behind those few seconds of standing there shouting a food name were many frowns, shouts of frustrations, worries and a total waste of time. i don't know WHAT and HOW we can learn about other countries' culture just dressing up as a dish and standing there for five seconds shouting pathetically. i was an EGG. ok we did gado gado and it consists of eggs, veggies, beansprouts, peanut sauce, potato and tofu. i don't know exactly HOW we can turn into eggs and veggies by wearing yellow or green. we have a face. they do not. we can talk. they do not. and i bet there were many smiles of: what freaky sec ones putting up such a freaky performance. reason: those freaky performances were caused by some friggin ideas, threats and those stupid rehearsals. let me explain them one by one. ideas. i don't know HOw they actually thought of FOOD this idea. its totally impossible that we look like food. and i bet we just looked like a bunch of colourful people standing on the stage glaring innocently to the wholelot of audience, but inside hatred and agony, preparing to rush out of the stage when our shouting ends to end the embarrassment of doing such a silly thing in front of all our seniors. threats. they threatened: DETENTION! if you don't join the rehearsals, regardless whether you have third lang or cca. if you go for third lang, your third lang would be cancelled automatically by the school! oooo. what great threats. i'm SCARED. what nice threats. if they want us to be all rounded people, they shouldn't actually let us do such a meaningless performance which i don't think adds to one of the new abilties we've learnt in this 'wondrous' school of abilities. and rehearsals. what we mostly done was dry weather and wet weather gathering.i think that's the most dumb thing ever. cos the main thing is the performance. monday was quite a reasonable day as we were let off at 5.but there was a totally reflecting lecture that led me to many thoughts. one of the sentences kept ringing: if you don't have the rafflesian fighting spirit to go on with this performance, YOU ARE IN THE WRONG PLACE. the 'you are in the wrong place' just keeps echoing. well personally i think i AM in the wrong place. maybe i shouldn't be in RGS at all. i don't know lah. its like ive been looking forward to coming here, working hard, being successful... but its like everything happened not what i expected. RGS is just a normal school, with an equal amount of injustices, mad rules, just like any other school. i don't see the need for people to cry if they think they can't get into RGS as besides RGS there are many other ways to become successful in life. tuesday. a five second performance on stage, turned out to be a 3.59.55 wait. and i reached home at eight thirty. thursday we were let off at around 5 which was OK. ok so yesterday i embarrassed myself totally being an EGG. and i felt helpless that i had to let myself succumb to such lousy type of performance which held no meaning into my life. to me, its a great lesson learnt. if i ever get to organise an activity, i would always think about the students' thinking and feelings and organise a more FUN activity and not let them stay back until so late. ok so after the performance we had recess and then we had to go to the malaysia and india classrooms to learn about the cultures there. they played movies which i did not understand, put food that i didn't like and games that were dangerous, as a few girls were aiming the ball at my head?! ok NOT critisizing any race here but i felt they could have made the place bigger?? and then the main purpose of us going there was to collect the stickers that we NEEDED to get out of the school compound to go and unleash from all the pain, anger and agony absorbed in us the past week. ok so that 20 min of faked interest in culture was gone and we had to go for our different activites we had chosen. most of us chose henna painting and when i stepped into the gym room i knew it was all over. it seems like hundreds of people were totally stuck there queueing up for some totally unprofessional henna painting people. ok but we stil had to queue up and after a terribly long wait, we couldn't even get to get a drip of the smelly gel onto an inch of our skin. but we still got our stickers. but you see, expecting things do NOT happen. i expected myself to step out of the school with nice nice henna paintings on my hands with a big big smile and a happy heart. what turned out to be no henna paintings on my hands with a sulk face and an angry heart.
you may think that i mai yuen everything that happen in my life but no, this is how i feel and my purpose is to write down what i feel.
`pain is what it takes to soar; but i can no longer take it anymore; spreading my wings to fly; all i can do is dream for the sky
if i ain't got you|8:08 AM
Saturday, July 16, 2005
i missed 3 days of school. sacrificing for cdiv. cdiv was a phase of memories both good and bad. sorrow. happiness. undescribable. i will never forget this bag of memories, incidents and moments. pain. worry. feelings leading the way throughout. but determination overcame everything. for now, i have loads of work to overcome
1. piano. i have class hour tmr. that's bad.
2. i realised i have 20 projects and hw to do altogether. GREAT.
3. french? wanna quit?? NOW?!
4. i think i'm having a fever. HOW?!
5. i don't understand a single thing that the class is doing cos of all the missed lessons. X_X
6. i feel like dying.
7. those small tests and dumb PE tests are driving me crazy.
8. the threatening racial harmony performance thing is driving me mad to tears. what cancel third lang if you don't go. what get detention if you don't go. UTTERLY MAD MAN. ARGH
9. theory-what the. my theory is going at a damned slow speed. shit. i guess i'm dumb
10. i have to train up on bowling.
SHUCKS.
-hating the whole world
if i ain't got you|8:19 AM
Saturday, July 09, 2005
taking it for granted
i don't know. i'm just living everyday of my life,just to make the days pass. i'm sick of school, even though i've just survived only one week. i just can't stand the pressure, facing the teachers, facing the lecture, discipline, failure, truths, inabilities, painful suffering. i'm sick of carrying out my life for pts, slogging out doing some projects as if we'll earn money for it. what enjoying ourselves through work. must see the situation first mah. week 2 was a fcking week.
the thing is, i don't know what i'm living for. sometimes i think, why am i here. somehow i feel that my posts are too fckingly stupid. but who cares. i don't know what to say. but i'm TIRED. school. maybe i should have just gone to a neighbourhood school and emerge first or something. i'm TIRED. of sitting there for an hour, trying to listening to crap and at the same time trying to keep my eyes wide and at the same time trying not to think of other things. i'm tired of looking at powerpoints on the screen. i'm tired of listening to those drony voices. i'm tired of hearing the squeaking of the markers on the whiteboard. i'm tired of cleaning the whiteboard for the teachers. i'm tired of passing down worksheets down the row. i'm tired of tests, exams, and everything in the school. i'm tired of the school compounds. i'm tired of the school activites. what racial harmony dress up as a dish. i don't see what do we actually learn from it. last minute tell us must go and perform if not will get class booking. yes, the school wants us to be all rounded people, but. must think of us mah. i remember the time last year when i came to rgs open house. i was like. as if i can come here. i was like OH MY GOD at everything. its open house again this saturday. i feel like shouting at every pupil not to come here so that they will not suffer. well i can't do that, it's impossible. i'll probably get expeled or something. well that's a great idea isn't it. get out of the school. but somehow i dare not do it. its like. i planned. ok today i wanna do this hw and tht hw and this pt and that pt. in the end i did very little only. i don't know what i spend the rest of the time with. maybe daydreaming of how i get expeled of the school or having nightmares of me not being able to get promoted to secondary 2? everyday, i wake up, rush, get to school , copy homework, lessons, cca/third lang. reach home at night... copying homework: the thing is, no one can blame us for copying homework. firstly, we don't know what to do for homework. so when we get to school, its like : AHH need to do ah! and then rushes to bag fishes out pen and worksheet and starts copying. secondly, we don't know how to do. it's indirectly the teachers fault cos they didn't teach us properly, not we never pay attention. and not everyone has tuition teachers or mommy or daddy to help them with their hw. lastly, we have absolutely no time to do. teachers reach home at around 6. me? earliest 7+ wtf. they only have to send red ticks across the paper. while I have to write letter by letter, word by word. ok teachers always say, when we do hw, we get distracted by msn messenger, blogging, tagging, or whatever shit. but the thing is we talk online for knowing WHAT homework to do. it would be so convenient of teachers could go online too. but that's totally impossible. argh enough of homework. francaise. i'm going to quit FRENCH soon lah. can't stand it. the big feathery moths at the moelc. makes me feel sick. and drained. i'm tired of dragging my feet through the gates of the moelc. i'm tired of seeing so many different school uniforms around. i'm tired of the damn hot and not ventilated classroom. i feel cheated. i don't know how others can actually score high marks for french when they read books under the table during lesson. while i was struggling down there, trying to figure out what the teacher was trying to explain, but still failed the exam. i guess its just my stupidity. one of the main reasons why i wanna quit is that it may affect my total gpa at the end of the year and i can't go to sec two. well you may think aww where got such thing. pls there is such a thing. anything can happen. however, somehow i can't bear to part with french. firstly. it's quite embarrassing. like ppl ask you: hey do you take third lang? i say: ehh i took french actually, but quit already. it's like you have no patience/ determination/ brains to carry on with the language. but who cares. i care. oh shucks. its just that i feel i have no substance for french. maybe i should have taken jap. i can't change language. oh yeah and i hate french tests and exams. its like during listening. BLANK. the voice just keeps going like somebody being kidnapped and has something stuffed in its mouth and i had to guess an answer. anyway, cdiv this week. can skip 4 days of school! its yay but sulk. you miss lessons. you fail ur tests. you can't go to sec two. see the effect?? yay: you don't get to see some bloody faces. you don't have to listen to lessons. i just don't know what's wrong with my life.whoots having training soon. argh. somehow i'm angry with training. i'm not mad. i know my math suck but i'm sure about this. training lasts for two hours. i take 3 hours to go there and come home. see the disadvantage? its not as if i have a chaffeur to send me around. so in total, i actually go out for 5 hrs for a training that lasts two hours. cool. i rather a 4 hr training session but less times a week. argh everything's dumb. it's just FCK. i tell myself i'm not hoping for anything. i just wanna go to sec two. pass my piano exams. have frens' support and feel warmth everywhere. i don't wanna get top in RGS i don't wanna be the best in everything. i just wanna have the most ability that i could have, as long as i try my best.
`in this fcking world; i just have to fight; to try; to survive.
if i ain't got you|9:30 AM
Saturday, July 02, 2005
whoots. have not been blogging for more than a week. the first week of school was somehow slack and homework was little. well. bowling was like 3 times a week. and also this week i escaped so many boundaries like eng speech and french controle results. but this week had bad news and failures, misunderstandings, and confusion. bowling results were announced yesterday.i'm the first reserve. whoah. i can't forget the moment when the whole team was sitting on the lanes. sweating, watery eyes. keen on knowing the TRUTH. i din cry. at least i was not the odd one out. but there's a reason i didn't cry which i'm not supposed to write here cos its confidential. whatever. i was feeling alright. cos i din expect myself to get chosen in the team. cos that time i kept throwing my ball UPWARDS during those two hateful trainings. and so i had a basic expectation of myself. be a reserve, even the last one doesnt matter. and when i knew i was first reserve, it was lke, i could have done so much better and got into the team. but FATE is FATE. i just have to accept reality. monday training i cried. not because of the blister. it was the agony of not able to play well. not well. but can't even roll the ball onto the lanes lke a beginner. not a beginner. a little kid squatting there using both hands to roll the ball on the lane. that was a really crucial training. tears just kept dropping. thankfully, only some of my batchmates saw me cry. haha i think of mandy moore's cry. it was then did i realise; that forever was in your eyes. hais. that wasnt forever. it was doom. being the only one out of the team isnt exactly a good thing you know. weds training. uncle jim had to put medicine for me. hahs. it was really bitingly painful. and i threw my ball up damn lot of time. at that moment, i wanted to cry. but i tried. and i didn't cry! well i knew what to expect of my position in the team at that moment. however, yesterdays training was somehow ok. although my hand was still painful, i scored my high game. actually, aunty cat had ordered us to do the freakingly tricky four step for an hour. but i couldnt do it. cos we had to swing the ball like freakingly many times before we could carry out the combination of leg hand walking. and my blister skin had been peeled off by me, so the flesh was fresh. i have sweaty fingers. so what do you think? every swing, the pain seeps into the wound, through the nerves, into my heart. with the pain, i couldnt concentrate and ended up failing almost everytime. i told uncle jim the prob, and he put the stinging medicine again and added a plaster on my poor thumb. he said i need not do the four step. that was GREAT news totally. good news was i didn't even throw my ball up once! whoo hoo! ok. everyone was playing quite badly as we didn't have the strength and determination to play as well as we could. so what if we got a perfect game. the team was there. cannot be changed. so try ur best for wad?! the 5 reserves and three sec twos will have to play in the national league every sat after nats! yay! that sounds like fun. but when i think about it. i sulk. not that i'm selfish or wad but my results are going down the hill and i have piano exam and please we have to lag the two balls to wherever we're playing. which i don't think will be kimseng. if it's kimseng, ha! i will kneel down and thank the organisers. yesterday's trainig, not talking about bowling, was a total horror. well i ccan't say it. but i'm ANGRY about it. because, that person's just damn figishly unreasonable and i somehow feel like screaming at her.
expectations --> what are they? hahs. expectations is the thing that causes stress. i just feel that a day of school is a stress. like, lessons, presentations, homework, rush here and there and others. but i don't think expectations is the main cause, well for my case. i think it's the competitive environment around me that causes all that stress. my expectations --> to pass everything, every test, quiz, assessment, worksheet. some may say: why you have such low EXPECTATIONS? its just so reasonable right? i mean my psle score is below the mean, so i SHOULD get lower than others. you may think: but the principal had once said, when you start a life in rgs, every starts at the same starting line. oh pls, people run much faster than me. now you may think: then you must try harder wad... ITS NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO, IT'S JUST THAT I CAN'T. i always use 'not adapted to rgs life' as an excuse for myself. well it's somehow true. somemore, in pri sch i did not have a cca. and everyday after school, i'll take a school bus home, eat lunch, do homework, assessment books, preparing for psle. it's like i reach home at 2 everyday. and school is not that tiring. and now, i have to take public transport home (not mai yuen-ning anything) during the peak hours. and get stared at ppl for my big school bag/ bowling bag and squeeze through inconsiderate ppl standing like an ape at the door. that day i had a really funny and bad experience can. it was a bad bad bad training. which somehow unknowingly caused misunderstanding betweeen me and *****. and then raining heavily so me and nic decided to go to foodcourt to do stuff. and then we waited very long for 970, which was packed like damn shit. so, we were stuck at the back. and there was this big indian guy, fat one, putting his two bold arms above his head holding the railing on top of the exit of the bus. occupying the whole space for ppl to exit. and when i had a hard time squeezing out of the long long trail of ppl and i got the door, he didn't want to move, well i think he didnt see me. i was pissed. i said excuse me at least 3 times. no action from him. i poked him (well i was not sure why i had the guts and authority to touch him like that) and he stared with me with his dirty and yellow eye whites. i stared at him back. well i didn't know what i looked like. and he gave way and i stepped down. argh. where was i? oh ya. trying harded to catch up with the other runners.it's just too difficult for me. i'm not up to the standard yet. so i just have to TRY MY BEST.
if i ain't got you|1:06 PM
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
well just decided to blog for a while since i feel empty not updating my blog for so long... kays. not to waste too much time, in 10 min time there is jue dui superstar! i copy and paste some parts nic wrote in her blog [sorry ah nic! ]
Training: boring... the first thing that aunty cat said to us was" today we were gonna practice SPARES" [we: o great. how nice. another exciting training!] " so practice ur pins 7 n 10" [we: wow. this rocks!] -.-" diao. ugh. candice n i came to a conclusion, regarding the shirts that aunty cat wears to training:
yellow: terribly BAD mood [boo...]
black: she's feeling super dao. no scoldings. no praises. no comments.
blue: GOOD mood!!! [yay!]
n... today she was wearing her black shirt. super dao la cann. hmm... she din say nething much bout me la. the usual stuff. like: yar! thats wat i want. or: NIC! u noe ur ball rotation is so UGLY! OR: release BACK UP! haiyo. can even memorise lor. whoot
the results are gonna be announced soon. as in REALLY SOON. o mann. i'm super worried i dun get into the team la. sheesh! this is bad. i mean like of all times, my ball has to start spinning around 3 wks before the c div tournament la. how how how. n i cant stand releasing back up! u broke my nail cann. grr. n when i jus simply release straight, my ball totally doesnt hook! jus goes dead straight lor! haiyo! hmm. mel is so qian bian la! that pokk. likes to used that stupid pic to sabo me lar! XP blehh!
went to yoshinoya. n saw this RGPS kid. white nametag= pri 3... rite? no pri4. yar. i think so. neway. she was sitting at the table diagonally behind me. n.. throughout my whole meal, candice was like "she's still staring at u. she's still staring at u." sheesh. dunno la. i dun even think she's from the bowling CCA la. or maybe its the big RAFFLES word on our backs. haha. then she was like whispering into her mum's ear. n her mum would turn n start staring at us. haiyo. wat. we aren't freaks. hello... bahh. maybe she recognizes me! :D whee. but cant be la. different sessions lor. end of nic's rantings.
hais. i could actually hit the two corner pins very well , but when aunty cat came... bad bad bad. i wanted to hit pin 10, ended up bowling to pin 5. mann. and aunty cat tot i was bowling pin7. tat's the worse thing that could ever happen. well then after a whooshing one half hrs of sparing. we got to play with reactive. damn it i couldnt find my line AT ALL. dam it. anyway, me and kiwi were LATE. that somehow affected my performance the whole training lah. ok we were early. decided to go to great world to look at the cute little pets at the window. then we decided to head for kimseng. going down the escalator. the other direction, a man with headphones and luggages and brooms came up. we were going DOWN. ok i was like ehh this man is siao take broom and headphone and luggage. mad ah. then it dawned on me that he was actually a camera crewman. i stared at kiwi. then we looked down. chen tai ming was staring up at us. you know CHEN TAI MING?! CHEN LI PING'S HUSBAND?!ohh mann. he was so er the. nice looking mann. much nice on the screen. but was pretty skinny though. he was STARING at us. oohmygoshness. then me and kiwi went all over the place finding the best angles to look at him. we even planned to get an autograph. i took a few stupid pics of him. i mean the pics was stupid. not him. ok. we suddenly woke up and it was already time for training. warm up had already started when we reached there. aunty cat kinda talked to us. well... you could say that its our fault but... infatuation lahs.
anyway, i'm not in the team. so who cares?! my love for bowling has suddenly died. i don't like bowling anymore. i don't like to see my balls spinning anymore. training has suddenly become a chore and a stress for me. i 'm tired. tired of all the competitiveness and competition between the 17 of us. really sick of it. a happy cca. turns out to be anger hatred and jealousy. wad kind of logic is this. why must the world be so demanding. competitions. what are competitions for?! no one can be the best. no one. bowling was supposed to be a form of relaxation for me. a time when i can bond with my teamates and laugh. but this june hols, training has been always:
"do you think you can get into the team?"
"aiyah shit sch hols ending already"
"aunty cat seems to be in a bad mood"
"damn it i haven finish my sch hw! eh the eng book review must do what?"
"what's the sch hw?"
"what are you going to eat later? i have no more money"
kay what kinda training is this. it's getting boring and the same. unfruitful. i don't learn much within that pathetic 2h slot. and fancy asking us to waste one hr down there taking our balls and stuff. well i'm not a guai kuai or sth. but. that one hr could be used for play too! mann. and in that 2h slot. much injustice is shown and biasness and also jealousy and kiasu and buganyueness. damn it.argh. training is just a time when i get more stressed up with everything. venting anger on the ball is not a beneficial thing.well you don't usully bowl well when you vent ur anger and that is not good if it's seen by the coaches. -.- and i CANT believe i prepared my speech about my love for bowling. mann. have to present it next tue. well it's all sweet talk babbehh. can't wait for term 3 to end. well that's a rather foolish dream. well my resolution for term 3 is to pass everything. tests, assessmnts, pts. and of course, the days to PASS really quickly. ya. just watched jue dui superstar. realised that doing things in life isn't that easy. the courage and determination. hais. the blind man, i believe. well he didn't sing it very well. i guess it was because of his standing position as one of the judges had mentioned. he should stand up and not move. yah. well not trying to be a music critic here or wad. hmm. but that's ... ehhhh. quite true i gues?!
i terribly terribly never never want sch to start. i have many tings i don't look forward to you know. like speech. gym. tests. pts. well tests and pts are alright. oh wait. butptssuck. ok it's stressing. and teachers arghh. i'm not insulting anyone. not being specific. i didn't mention any name. but teachers are the main cause of my anger mann. today me and nic went home together again. it's like EVERY training me and her go home and lunch together. about the 10th time already. we feel really lonely. no lahs. but nic always treat me!! hahas. tomorrow is geog field trip. although the place's next to my house, the assembly point i hav to take a bus. damn. i bet it's gonna be real boring. one and a half hrs? what can we learn?! well i hate doing worksheets during field trips. worksheets. is that all they can think about?! when during the work, we don't appreciate and admire the natural beauty of xiao guilin. filling in the worksheet would mean observing the rock and scribbling answers down. main purpose: complete the worksheet and get outta this scorching place. worksheets shld be gone through or done in school. well IF worksheets have to be done. the field trip has to be longer. if not the whole one and a half hrs will be doing ws doing ws doing ws. mann. that sucks. not looking forward to tomorrow mann. arghh. PISSED. -waves goodbye
`to the world _______________ <3forbowling++ decreased.
if i ain't got you|8:16 PM
Friday, June 17, 2005
Monday – training. I went to meet kiwi at her bus stop at bout 11.25. I was complaining to her about how long darned 985 takes to come. Then 970 came and we boarded the bus. It didn’t turn into 6th avenue. It didn’t turn into king albert’s park. It turned into the highway. Shock. Fear. Worry. Engulfed us that our faces turned pale and we just wanted to smash through the windows and escape. Bwahs. Wad a dumb description. Damn exaggerating la. Ok. So we WERE scared mah. But we were like: oi can’t be we took the wrong bus mah. So I said maybe the driver went wrong way. So we comforted ourselves until we came out of the highway and reached toapayoh. Toa payoh is in the east. Signature park – our starting point in the west. Walao. Ok we WERE scared., then we reach serangoon. I was like I call my fren she live here k? by the time I wanted to call her we had entered angmokio. Bwahs. Scared man. We looked at every bus stop – the bus numbers. All foreign like 26, 23, 410. never see b4, aiyohs. Then I looked behind. The bold words 985 freaked me out. Was it out to take revenge on mmmmmmmee?! For complaining to kiwi about it? Ahh. Then I looked around the bus. A man with a pram without a baby . an old man sitting unusually quietly behind. The two gangsters I heard talking when on the highway mysteriously disappeared. A lady putting on makeup for the whole journey, wearing a kind of cap that don’t allow me to see her face. Ahh then we ENTERED geylang. Oh my goshness. The sight was just so ‘experiencing’ . yeahh. Bwahs. You wont’ know what I mean unless u were me. Sights of unsightly sights. Bahs. Ok then I felt my psychic powers coming again. I said ok I can’t take this no more. Lets alight at the next stop and cross the road and take a bus back and tell others that we’ll be late for training. I looked. The bus bottom there was an red strip. When I entered ‘970’ i saw tat it was orange. You know there’s a diff between orange and red. Ok so we did. We crossed the road. Then kiwi exclaimed is that an mrt station. Sure it was. We were exhilarated totally cann. Through the whole journey after the highway we’ve been trying how to reach an mrt station so we could go to tiong bahru and take a bus to kimseng. Ok so we took mrt, took 195 to kimseng. We were not even late mann and so we told everyone about our exciting. Oh ya and while taking 195 we realized that we had to alight at the stop outside greatworldcity. Ahh. Then we ran through the whole great world city like feng pos and reached kimseng. In time. Yayes. Ok. I’m seriously not lying bout anything here. 100% real story by candice cann? Ahh then I bowled terribly lahs. 985 I wanna bang you into a tree now! Ahh. The thought of these 3 numbers make my nerves flare totally! Ahh shit then aunty cat was saying my back was so straight when I stepped the second last step. Well I just couldn’t ‘bend’ down. Ahh. How. Shit. Darn 985. ok so the training was over damn damn damn damn fast. The fastest ever training. I guess I was thinking too much about the exciting journey earlier on mahs. Ok so me and nic went to yoshinoya to eat. While kiwi n tessa went home. Then the nice counter lady gave us yoshinoya coupons! Yays. Got salmon bowl but no beef bowl offer! Hahaha. Crazy me I saved a dollar~ whoohoo! Ok then. So we waited a darn long time for freaky time for 970. it was a jerky ride. My back kept slamming against the acrylic window. Mann. Ok. Then I alighted. Wait for 985. damn damn damn. Another painful and angered 25min. where got bus take so long wan siah? Mann. Then I stomped up the bus and stood at the same place again. However. My back didn’t even slam against the acrylic once. Not even once. FREAKY> ahh. Man oh man. And darn 985. EVEN if we had took the wrong bus. EVEN if we had. It should not have gone onto the highway. It should have gone to king alberts can? Waseh. Dam driver.kept scratching his head. Ahh. Hope he scratches it until his skin comes out and his brain pops out and he dies in that pathetic 985. hooray good ending for you and me. Haha. Fraudness in my laughter mann. Pissed. I have to take 985 tomorrow two times. Ahh shit. Well I have to live with 985 for the rest of my life mahn. Ahh. Wahpiang. Shit lah. I can’t stand it. I just want a Mercedes to fetch me to school and fetch me home!!! Or shall I have wings? Or shall I be a ghost and I can appear anywhere, anytime? Boo. Ahh. Pissed. Can’t stand seeing that darn 985 bobbing up and down towards the bus stop down the road as if it was obese. Let ppl wait so long still take ur time ahs. Walao. Hmm. Shall give it one last chance tomorrow. Hope me and kiwi don’t take wrong bus. Well I think the bus was wrong anyway. Two ppl’s eyes COULDN’T fail. K. well actually getting lost is RATHER fun. But have to bring the bus directory book along… or at least not getting lost in GEYLANG, where it’s in a totally different direction from the area youre familiar with. And also I think 985 will play with me tomorrow. I said so many bad things. Ah. One last chance kay, 985? I know I sound stupid talking to a bus, but I believe that it’s alive, or else it wouldn’t hav the ability to play such a dirty trick on me. Getting me lost in geylang. What a joke. BWHAS. One last chance hor!! Hmph! Ha. I’m happier now (:
Up and down I go; roundabout I ran; lost
Love will find a way+++
Sometimes I wonder if the world is just going against me. Just ME. Me and me alone. What have I done to suffer such injustice and many minor setbacks and worries? So many darts are racing their way towards my picture hanging on the wall now. I just can’t fight all of them back and end up being more hurt. I’m standing in the middle of an empty road. And then, hundreds of speeding racing cars start zooming towards me. Just me and me alone. Alone. That word. Is absolutely true. I’m just so alone in this lonely world of mine. Solving problems alone. Being alone. In my lonely world. Just alone. Every single thing I face is not some unfortunate thing or claimed as ‘suay’, but it’s actually the world going against me. For example whenever I go and buy slippers. The innocent voice will ring out: oh sorry miss no more of your size. Then I will kick my dream slippers outta my feet and walk off. Well you may think. The WORLD going against me. Isn’t the world dying now? I mean, environmentally. I’m not implying that all my ‘badluck’ is caused by deforestation, air trapped in the atmosphere or something. Oh my god how dumb can I get. The EARTH is dying not the WORLD. See? The world is going against me by making getting stupider. That’s wad I mean. The world, is all the countries, all the people. And you can say the oceans and the trees and the sky and the clouds and the sun. aha you may say they’re natural stuff they just do what they HAVE to do so it’s not their fault, not my fault. But isn’t it too much of a coincidence when it rains when you are out and you don’t have an umbrella. Or can it be that you are so ‘suay’? there’s no such thing as suay, its just a term that ppl, I mean Singaporeans like to use when they meet with a bad or embarrassing incident. Well. Of course some may think. I say the world is going against me. But sometimes, like for example I got into bowling. AT THAT MOMENT, do I think that the world is going against me? No of course, it depends on the type of news and situation I receive and I am in. hmmm .for example, I had a paper cut. Oh well I was cut by a flitter flutter light layer of dead wood which people treat as rubbish and is not alive? How stupid/clumsy can I get. At that moment I would think . the world is simply going against me. Cos, the thing is. You hardly get a paper cut. It’s the hols now. I actually feel more ‘the world is against me’. WHY? Cos when school starts and I’m busy, I don’t have much time to think about all these discouraging things. I have to eat, sleep, do homework, pts. And find some time for relaxation. Not thinking the world is against ME,but during school I think of that phrase a lot. Like during lessons, when the teacher’s talking I would think: the world’s against me. ME and me alone. Sometimes because I don’t understand what the heck the teacher’s talking about. Sometimes I get frustrated when everyone just raise up their hands like beansprouts to answer qns. Honestly I don’t know how to answer them. Even if I had the slightest hint, I wouldn’t raise up my hand. It’s just… there’s no need to as others will answer too and give an even better answer. You may think that I’m the cause. Of the world going against me. Being so cowardly not to answer qns. So stupid. The world is dying. Blah blah. But you won’t understand how I feel unless. You’re me. Well that’s obvious isn’t it. You may be feeling happy now but I can’t feel it and I can’t feel how you feel. So yahs. Ahh some of my frustrations gone.
===the world. Going against me. Me and me alone===
lemme talk bout wed’s training. Me and kiwi met at 8.20am. training starts at 1015.you all must be thinking. Crazy . meet so early. But uncle jim said MAYBE he would come at 9.30 to teach us some sparing tips yah so we met lah. We reached that at 9.15. din feel like going yet. Anyway the alley was NOT even open. So we went to great world. Hardly any shops open. Hardly anione around. We played on the escalators. Going up and down . nobody cared (: haha. Then we went to golden village. Then came across this pet shop displaying mice and rabbits. The shop was not open. And the rabbit which I named spotty kept saying hello to us. So sweet. It always scratched the cage and jumped around, standing on its two feet. Kiwi was fascinated with the scurrying little mice, jumping and crawling over each other. I was still so attracted to spotty. Soon we left and were the first to reach the alley among the whole team. Abby soon came and let us see the pics she took in Australia. Hais. How I wish I could go. Well.. can’t be too demanding. At 10 most ppl came and we started training. Firstly we had to spare pin 5. seemed so easy but it’s quite difficult actually. Then we tried pin 10 n 7. I cannot cannot cannot spare pin 10!! Arh! Then we played games. I got… 124, same as chrissy. Training passed by like a breeze. Me nic and tessa were ‘forced’ by dearest Audrey to play an extra game. Well not forced. INVITED!! Yeahh. So we played lors. I got… 118. ya. So me and nic, for the 7th time, the both of us went to have lunch together and take 970 together back home. We wanted to eat yoshinoya at first but nic had not enough money so we had to go to kfc, as usual I ordered the or fillet burger meal. And nic the zinger zinger meal. Bwahs. Then she was screaming at the horrible stench of my coleslaw. The stupid malay counter person never give me spoon. But I was lazy to take so I just folded the coleslaw cap cover and ate it. When I wanted to pour the unnecessary sauce away, some of the coleslaw dropped out and nic went EWWWWW, so loudly. Then I saw kiwi and her pri sch frens. Including vanes wu. Said hi to her and went back to my disgusting lunch. So we just took darned 970. the rest of the day went fine. Unsuccessful, unfruitful, as normal.
+just wasting every heartbeat in me+
sorry for the delay of the post, but NOW my internet’s STARTING to work, not very stable yet. Hmms. Training just ended. It was terrible fast and short and disappointing, as usual. My sixth sense powers came back and me and nic ended up with a terribly terrible outcome. Bwahs. Right, nic?
if i ain't got you|3:18 PM
Saturday, June 11, 2005
i had planned to do work on wednesday. but it turned out to be a day of play
i woke up at about nine, ate my breakfast. my uncle called me up and asked me if i wanted to go and watch a movie with his kids --> my cousins and then go bowling. i was apprehensive at first. but i thought --> free lah just go lah! ok. my brother went too.first they came up to look at my fishes. yayes. my GREAT fishes. my cousins, denise--> pri 3. jonathan--> we called him jon jon --> k1. ok so they were quite young and me and my bro were quite 'old'. the age difference in total was 15. but so? it was free. hahs. so then we set off in his car to great world city. i was like damn familar with the place can... bringing them around and telling them what is there to eat and where is the cinema and so forth. of course, i've been there for the past year liaos. my uncle decided to go coffee bean and eat. i ate pasta,which i shared with jonathan and denise. the rest ate caesar salad. whatever is that. then the fruit tea i order was half filled with ice and it was completely tasteless, like water and it was even a little bitter. yucks mann. so i ended up drinking up half of it only.
so we went off to watch star wars. for 10 whole minutes, the cinema was completely empty. quite an experience lah. we could run around and scream and shout and take picture. nobody cared. yahs but when people came in, we were like so disappointed la! ok then the movie started. very long and A BIT boring. some parts are like lame. BWAHS. well it was jon jon who insisted on watching star wars. so we had to agree lah. he only stared at the screen when the fighting part starts. the talking parts he just looked around and ate his stuff. then when the fighting part over, he will ask us: " scary?" haha. so cute lah. childhood innocence! ahh. so envious. i can NEVER be that way now. so we were outta the cinema, then walked over to kimseng. to BOWL! yayes. i <3 bowling! and i saw vivian and mel bowling together there lahs. hmmm. i was playing lousily lousy the first game. the first few frames all zero. ended up with a fcking score of 64. the second game 98. very lousy. guess i couldn't concentrate. my cousins had given up at the first half of the first game cos they kept going into the gutters. oopss i mean their balls, not them of course. so i was actually very disappointed when after playing the second game they wanted to go home but i couldn't say anything cos i was not the one paying for the games. so we came out of kimseng and sat car to tiong bahru fish shop cos my uncle wanted to buy some fish. he bought two angel fishes and one molly. also, the children wanted a terrapin. so he bought it for them. it turned out that the children were scared of the terrapin when i put it on their hands -.- ok. well. so we went to his house at pavillion park. i played with the terrapin and tammy the humongous rabbit. i just wanted to play with them, even without anyone around me. tammy has sharp nails. and dirty fur. hahas. and i got scratched. but i continued to play with her lahs. she's as big as a dog. well no one would believe me until you've seen her lahs. time passed like super fast and then we went out for dinner at swensens, west mall. i ate omelette with cheese and ham. and a bit of ice cream which i shared with my brother. so the day ended just like that.
friday - hais. woke up early in the morn to go for training. met kiwi at the bus stop at 9.10. [ i seemed to have said this two sentences a number of times...] so we took the long journey 970 there. there were 6 sec ones, 6 sec twos, 3 sec threes, and 7 sec fours. so we started bowling lors. i bowled OK> not good not bad. well at least i didn't go into the gutter TAT many times. but when we had to spare our own shots, the first time i always go into the gutter. but then the second time i will hit a lot of pins, maybe all, maybe 9. then we played games. the first game kiwi got highest. i got a pathetic score of 121. uncle jim wasted one WHOLE frame of my scores telling me to slide further and faster. also i WASTED my spare siahs. that's bad really really really bad. if not i could have a much higher score siah. ahh. the second game kiwi got a turkey siah! so pro siah! ok my 'siah' sickness is COMING BACK. but we couldn't finish the game as the machines turned OFF. kiwi and tessa went home for lunch, so me and nic for the fourth time, went home together after having lunch. but this time we had lunch with some sec four seniors ya.
don't feel like blogging. nothing exciting to say. maybe i shouldn't talk about trainings next time. it makes me even more stressed. about some philosophical stuff? no i got a limited for philo. then WHAT should i talk about. talk about --> my days? well that's getting kind of boring isn't it? ahh. tell me what to talk about. well the word is -> sian.
`gettting sian-er by the day; play doesn't becomes work; but work becomes play.
if i ain't got you|8:38 AM
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
+++southzones 05+++
6/6/05
woke up early. was too vomity to eat. felt like puking after wearing the retainers. so i didnt eat. just brought my food there. fetched kiwi toos. we reached there pretty early. and then keshia didn't come cos she had fever lahss. ok so rgs sent 4 teams:
team 1
clarice
jiahui
amanda tan
ann
team 2
annalyn
amanda lau
hazel
kaiyin
team 3
nicholette
kiwi
stephanie
keshia--> blind score of 80!
team 4
me
tessa
vivian
zhimin--> her name was spelled as ka min. (:
ok then the warm up thingy started. my ball kept going into the gutter lah. had to change my line siah. tessa was super pro lahs. i was really nervous. REALLY REALLY nervous. extremely nervous. although mrs lim had said: c div, you CAN'T win there are jc ppl around and b div. you cannot win. so just treat it as an experience and apply what aunty cat had taught you. ok so the competition started. i bowled quite badly. 106 for the first game. then followed by, 133, 114 and 132. i kept missing spares lahs. couldn't even aim properly. and then i kept throwing my first ball towards the left. can die wan leh! kept hitting pin 4 and 7. that sucks. and one time i hit that two pins. then the second round i threw the ball right into that hole! it's like super embarrassing lahs! argh! ok then tessa was like bowling so super proly. spare spare spare strike strike spare strike spare spare. or sth like that lahs. zhimin was looking so cool with her new hairstyle. i couldn't even recognise her at first. vivian was so zai lah. all of them so zai cept me. hmrph. i like victor's lanes. not like kimseng's. hard and cruel. bwahas. and zhimin and tessa kept missing their turkeys. but in the end zhimin obtained her turkey but mumy didn't. but mummy is still pro. (: pokky me. ok then i ended up position 43. out of 80. very good lehs!! i find. actually it's 40. ya... cos a lot of ppl got same average mahh. so yah. then our team got 9th! out of 20. good lehs.! yayes. at least. we didn't get 4. firstly i hate the number 4. that's why i was disappointed when i was transferred into class one oh FOUR.but it's an okay class lah. then. i was in RGS team 4. lane 4. and you know what? we played 4 games. and you know, in hokkien 4 is pronounced as si. and that can mean --> die. but we didn't die hoorays
ok so we were dismissed. me and nic were like so hungry lah and we didn't have lunch to eat at home. but kiwi'm mom had cooked for her but she has to take taxi home with ME. so me nic kiwi and amanda lau lagged our 10+ kg bags up bus 400 into marina mrt station. i hate that station. the escalator down was faulty. was spoilt was cursed. how are we going to carry the bags down. the 60 steps?! that's crazy. the weight will pull me down and i'll end up rolling and die. nic and amanda were like so strong lah. carried their bags down with EASE. me and kiwi were like half a flight of stairs then we stop. and pant and then carry the bag down again. i almost FELL. that's bad. really really bad. ok then we took mrt to orchard. then we walked to far east plaza pulling our bags along. it's like everyone was STARING at us as if we were some terrorists or some air stewardesses or something. hahs. then we were like ok no kfc, no macs. sick of it. really. after eating those for half a year at great world. then we walked around the whole far east searching for a place to eat. in the end, we decided to eat kfc. tsk .kfc was at the entrance. we wasted damn lot of time baby. ok so we ate kfc.ate the o.r fillet burger meal AGAIN. AGAIN. amanda too. nic ordered shrooms. her shrooms burger took a million years to come. huh?! damn angry lah. no mushroom the pick huh. walao. haha. nowonder kiwi says i talk like ah beng. BWAHAS. then after waiting a long time for nic to finish her mushrooms, we went to take neoprints. kiwi didn't wanna take. so me amanda and nic took lah. just when we were about to go and take...nic discovered that her wallet was missing. i was like. find again lah everytime you cannot find you will find it at the very bottom of your bag. but this time it wASNT . without a word nic just went off to find her wallet. amanda followed her. then nic came back with the time zone arcade cards . it was hers. but they were in her bag not her wallet. so her wallet and cards must have dropped somewhere when going to the print club. then amanda came back with nic's wallet. nic was so happy that she hugged amanda. haha i bet she felt rreally shiok hugging a sec 4 senior! bwahs. she's senior crazy by the way! sorry! hope you don't slap me. BWAHs. ok then we took neos. i put a really cute pair of bunny ears on nic's head. and nic was screaming ahhh take it away. i was like ok ok. then i took eraser and started to erase. then the time limit was like 4 sec left. then amanda hurry up help me erase but instead of erasing she put stars on it and ahh the time was over. nic ended up having bitten floppy bunny ears. but overall the neos were damn nice lah. ok so me and kiwi took a taxi home and nic went home too and amanda of course went home too. so the day ended.
today i went for training early in the morn again. looks like i'm REALLY dedicating a lot of time for my training. ok so lugged my stupid bag up damned 985. you know there are 3 steps up the bus. i was like at the last step i put my bag down. and i was standing on the second step. so embarraassing lah. then i continued. ok then i went down with much trouble and kiwi came and we took 970 to kimseng. we met tessa and kaiyin on the bus. tessa and kiwi were busily doing their poster and i was like telling them how to do this and that haha. we reached there and training just started. very little ppl lahs. uhh. 5 sec ones and 4 sec twos. then during training audree and mel came. it was like omg. todays the seventh they were supposed to come back on the 8th! crazy! it turned out that they took a midnight flight. then we played two games. i scored. 120 and 135. ok then. training ended. kiwi had gone off earlier for her viva voce class. tessa went to her fren's house. keshia went home. left me and nic. the rest of the sec twos went home, their parents fetch. so me and nic ate lunch together. didn't know what to eat. kfc no. macs no. yoshinoya no. then we went around looking for something to eat. but then either too expensive or sick of it lah. then the last option was delifrance and in the end we went there. i bought this le mango chicken medley thing costing 5 dollars and it was kinda horrible. never gonna buy that again. hahah .the soup was nice but the bread totally sucked. i ate half and hid the other half under and behind tomoatoes at the side of the soup bowl. i was like talking about the hilda taba cause and effect analysis if i hid the bread there. precause the bread was not nice. cause candice hid the bread behind tomatoes. effect the staff found the hidden bread and complained to the boss that the bread was hidden cos it was not nice. the boss canceled the meal on the menu. post effect: customers complained and protested that the bread should be on the menu again but then the boss dun want therefore resulting in riots and stuff and resulting in death, decrease in birth rate, diseases, education,etc. haha. so we took 970 home. yah and i took damned 985 home siah and here i am.
whee. ying cha liang cuo going to start already. yayes. i like the song. i was singing it during training with nic siah. and i think today's training was ok. cos i didn't go into the gutter ThaT many times as before. but i always went into the wrong gutter lehs. that's bad and i always overshot the pocket and hit pin 2 or 3. that's bad. and i can't spare corner pins still! ugh! damn! ok...well south zones was CERTAINLY a good experience. the CJC ppl were bowling next to us and they were so pro kays. you shld see them play. ahh. it was well the first time i played in a sports competition. i felt really nervous during the comp but without each other's encouragement i dun think i would be able to achieve an average score of 121. well team 3, kiwi's nic's and steph's team came in 18 i think because keesh, the blind score was 80 all the way!! uhh and nic and kiwi were like quite disappointed. true lah. at first we were so angry cos we tot zhimin would not come but in the end she appeared hooray!! bowling bowling bowling. that's all i can think about now. what about studies. it's kinda out of my mind now. hey i got 3.14 for my gpa ya know. that's not good. it's bad. so what if my bowling is top in spore. i can't remain in sec one. that's the most embarraassing thing siah. so.... yah. better buck up. yeahh. don't feel like blogging anymore
[feel the colors of the wind]
if i ain't got you|8:02 PM
Saturday, June 04, 2005
i like to move it move it.
i like to MOVE IT!
yayes madagascar ROCKS.
so? i hardly did anything this hols.
thursday:i practiced piano in the morn, then went down to jurong point to meet elaine and xianmin for the chinese pt! elaine was late lahs! then me and xiannypok went to children's section in the library to wait for elaine. then elaine sms me wad level is library. i sms her 4 then me and xianny saw her entering the children's section through the glass window. we were laughing. but we din call her name lahs. wanted to punish her for being LATE. hmphs. then we saw her walking OUT of the children's section. so funny lahs! then elaine walked back again and she saw us! BWAHAS. then in the children section we kept laughing cos there were so many adorable children running and playing around! innocent childhood. haiz. then after that we went to popular to buy the book for pt and then we went to long johns for lunch. we discussed about chinse pt and stuff and then we went home. it was really funny walking with xiannymini around jurong point, me and lainey thought: cos everyone was staring at us. we were walking with a SUPERSTAR! bwahahs. so the day ended. just like that.
friday - a long-awaited day. madagascar! woke up at 8 plus. went down to bus stop at 8-50 to wait for damned 985 lah. it took very long as usual. then i went to kiwi's bus stop. argh she was late. no. her clock was slow lahs. ok and then we took damned 970 to kimseng. journey damn slow. why? the bus was faulty. the bus driver was SLOW siah. traffic was BAD. too many pple. so we reached the alley kinda LATE. but i din feel anything. HEY we took bus leh. then training started. aunty cat was not there. i was ANGRY lahs. cos uncle jim kept going to the sec 4 side. hello? c div is coming not b div? shouldn't he be coaching us instead? then i couldn't hit pin 10 lah. but pin 7 was much easier. training passed by like a breeze. the 5 of us, me nic cheryl keesh and kavita went to food court in great world to eat jap food. were totally sick of eating mac and kfc after loitering there for half a year. amanda and abby and mummy were there too. i spent 6 dollars on curry rice. so much that i couldn't even finish the miserable chicken and rice siah. then keesh screamed i saw aunty! then we were like where got.... you crush every senior ah/ BUT ann was really there lahs. so funnny. we finished lunch early. bade goodbye to amanda mummy and abby and went on our way to cinema. we decided to take a lift. couldn't find a lift. so we just anyhow entered a path like place. then we just walk and walk. then we saw a nice pathway. walk. then it led into another pathway. walk. then it led into another pathway. excited mann. tot it would lead into some mysterious place full of GOLD. then we saw the ugly truth. - a CARPARK. disappointed and amused we walked back. then we saw a cargo lift. it din look like a lift it looked like four pillars. we entered the lift. it was big. can play catching. there were two exits in the lift. when we reached the floor. the four of us were so sure that the door will open on that side. but cheryl went to wait at the other side.when the doors opened, we would rush out like mad cows. then cheryl's side opened. then cheryl was kinda of hollering and running at same time. we chased after her and were like screaming and laughing . when we came out the the shops. many ppl were looking at us. haha. there was still time to the show. so we came accross an arcade. just walked inside. and saw ppl bowling. not REAL bowling lanes. but fake ones. very cute. so we decided to play. so fun lah. and then ppl were like. haha raffles tenpin bowling ppl . then we redeemed sweets. time for madagascar. this was the way we sat: nic, me, cheryl, keesh and kavita. it was really funny. i like gloria. the animation is really good and yah the plot was LAME and expected. boo. the show ended really fast and we walked out of the cinema. cheryl and keesh went home in a taxi. then me nic and kavita had a crazy idea. bowl again. that was called DESIRE. or you can say, a temptation. so we went back to kim seng and asked for a lane. the auntie at the counter was like :eh? ni men jing tian lai da qiu le mah. wei she me you lai neh? we just smiled lah. haha. the first game i was sucky. a score of 83. my hands kept slipping out. din bother to go toilet to wash cos i have to change shoes. then the next game surprisingly i got my high game of 137! whoo hoo. that was because i striked 2 times and spared two times in a row and the last frame i got a strike so yah... and then me and nic shared a drink and went home. kavita's mom fetched her home. so we took 970 and lonely had to spent another hour travelling home by myself.
next mon is southzones!! AHHH. so scared lah. i will do shame to the skool! wadeva. but it's only 3 games... -comfort- my team: me tessa vivian and zhimin! all so pro cept me lahs! argh. have to reach there at 8.45am. so early. then tues have to go for training. fri also. then the following 2 weeks have to go for training on 1 3 5! arhhhh where got time to do work? i already spent the whole of this week fooling around. i step out of the house everyday. everyday facing those 10 pins. hahah .love my balls. my rotto grip super sonic and my captain titan. i like to move them move them. i like to move them! hhahaha. -.- have to work hard the following 3 weeks leh! ahh. still have to meet up for chinese and lit pt. that's bad. cos our schedules ALWAYS clash lehs. that's bad siah. hais.
if i ain't got you|12:58 PM
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
i promise myself i'm gonna spend only half hours on this kays? kays.
monday - i woke up at about 9 am and prepared myself for training at 12.30. had to meet mummy tessa at kiwi's bus stop at 11.30. at 11.10 and i settled my self at the bus stop and waited for the dam 985. at 11.30 i was still sitting there. alone. then my neighbour (well not exactly just live in the same condo) came with her daughter and we talked lah. and i told her that 985 didn't come for 20min. and she was like appalled cos she was taking 985 too lahs. so she said if 985 didn't come she would take a taxi and i could come along too as kiwi's bus stop was along the way lahs.then she was like: what school are you in? i was like: ERR. RGS. then she was like: OH! then she said to her cute daughter: see jie jie can go RGS> so clever. you can go or not? then i was thinking: oh shucks i'm clever? GPA: 3.04. pls lah. clever my shit. then she was like: where u going? i said: training. she asked: wat training? i said: bowling. she said to daughter: oh jie jie likes bowling! wow! ok 5 min had past by. so we took a taxi. then 985 was just behind us lahh -.- anyway i got a FREE RIDE (: then at the traffic light before kiwi's stop, 970 was right in front of us. i was like: OH NO! ahh! then the nice auntie said to the uncle: beat that 970. haha so funny lah. but there was a bus stop before kiwi's so the 970 stoped there and the taxi already went to kiwi's bus stop. i said thank you to the auntie and alighted. mummy tessa was like looking so worried. it was already 11.40. ok then we immediately took 970 and chatted during the journey all the way till kim seng. we waited there for like half an hour before auntycat came. she was obv in a really bad mood lahs. 2 sec fours, 1 sec two, and 8 sec ones. aha. how uneven can that get huh? ok and then it was the worst training ever. it was so quiet. and i kept rolling my ball towards centre arrow lah. that's bad. and i kept on getting scolded. then i had the roll the ball IN TIME> that's bad. cos i couldn't . that's bad cos south zones is just next mon and i couldn't even roll the ball properly siah. that's bad siah. ok wadeva. then that horrible training was finnally over. then me nic kavita keesh and chrissypoo went to yoshinoya to eat lunch i spent $4.80 on a salmon bowl. it's so ex lah but haiz no choice siah. ok then me and nic took 970 back with a somehow gloomy mood cos of training and stuff. yeahh.and the rest of the day went alright.
tues - cpr course! i was like so not excited. i dunn wanna kiss dummies! heh. so woke up early in the morn daddy sent me there and everyone assembled in foyer. i was PISSED like wad. groups of 9. you know hu were in my group? me, bong, hui wen and 5 other unknown ppl from other classes. that's bad. that's unlucky. -zip- you shld know the reason why i'm pissed if you were from 104. me and bong were like keeping the anger welling up in us. hate the no. 5 man. boohoos. why carolyn go tour huh? but our station 7 instructor miss ang was quite nice siah. but 2 hrs listening of some stuuff was like really frustrating lah. then it was the cpr test siah. me and bong paired up siah and we were like so nervous siah. then we were stationed to station 8 and we started with the choking saving thing. we did really badly but still passed that part siah. i forgot whether to put the fist on top or below siah. bwahas siah. then it was the one rescuer cpr siah. i was like stupid cos i kept forgeting to pinch the nose while kissing the dummy and i couldn't blow sometimes. i didn't really push the chin back cos i felt sorry for the dummy. wonder how it felt to have ur chin pushed all the way up. that's scary siah. bong did much better than me siah. ok but we passed (: that was all i wanted - > TAT CERTIFICATE. it was lunch. there were styrofoam boxes and packet drinks laid out on the canteen tables nicely and we were happy cos we tot that those were ours and i was like: wow this cpr course organised very well eh? got drinks somemore. wonder if we have to pay for it... then. this excursion group of cute malay children came and just flooded the seats and consuming my dream food. WE WERE PISSED. how could we lose to a bunch of children not even in RGS> then our food came. sticky and powdery rice, cold fish with stale ketchup, and popiah thing with raw veggies not good to be eaten. and THERE WERE NO DRINKS SIAH. $3 you know. xin tong siah. poof! lunch was over. -groan- listening time again. then it was theory test. i practically just copies everyone's answer. bwahas. double checked i mean. i ended up with a miserable score of 18/20 siah. ok lah. pass can already siahh. then it was the practical test. me and bong paired up again then i went first. i was like dumb answered so many qns wrongly siah. and when i bandaged bong's hand rite, i put the apex the wrong way and the examiner had to turn it around for me siah! -slaps myself- but i passed (: then bong bandaged me up in three things kay. i only did one for her. on her hand. she first used the crepe bandage to bundle my whole right arm up and then use the triangular cloth to put a sling and after that she immobilised my arm. i feel REALLY handicapped lah. BWAHAS it was quite fun after all. and of course. clever bong passed. then i went home with mummy tessa. she put on braces! she was moaning in pain all e time. at the pei hwa bus stop i saw kiwi and her mom and her cute little bro. they kinda dao me lah. wadeva. then i took 985 home which took and...i spent a total of 13 min on this! whoo hoo!! SIAH!
-wishing i could find myself
if i ain't got you|12:09 PM
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Today. is the first day of freedom. unleashed from the slog. from the sweat. the sorrow. the anxiety. the anger. it's the june hols. well NOT EXACTLY. i have to worry about MORE Things yeah? like bowling, catching up on school work and PIANO. the anger, sorrow, anxiety, sweat all still there lahs. the only thing is there is MORE time to play and work. and dun need to waste time in STEVENS. wadeva crap i'm talkin. TERM 2, a definitely memorable phase of time with events good and bad, lucky and unfortunate. so much things to say, i dunno what to say.
well let me start with bowling. the 2 roll offs just passed and i did TERRIBLY for both. BOTH i mean. it's like my ball isn't listening to me! well. i LOVE <3 bowling. but it gives me STRESS. ok. NOW what is stress? stress is a time when i can't breathe. when i think of all the upcoming events striding towards me. i just get stuck in the lungs. even your FAVOURITE sport gives you stress. This shows that LIFE is simple a STRESS. for us to face, overcome and to learn. but i can't do that so quickly. i have to adapt. esp when this is my first year in sec sch and the big diff is that the school is RGS. some ppl may be thinking: aiyah she lah. whole day say RGS so stressful, blah blah shit lah she's just trying to boast can? THINK WHATEVER YOU WANT MANN. you want a taste of it? COME LAH! ok. i sound really proud here. -.-
ppl think: oh. one semester gone already. so much time for you to adapt already wad. yah.. others can but I really can't. well ppl have different abilities which result in diff time spans to adapt! they think that everyone can be as capable as each other. and the ANSWER is NO. duh. and also. RGS mean was 268. hello? i got 265. that means i HAVE to be at a lower standard than others. Well not HAVE to but SUPPOSED to. it's just a basic inference anyways. ok, so back to bowling, i really <3 to see my captain titan's ball spinning with it's vibrant blue, baby blue and red. but time's like over. SERIOUS BABE. ok. i dun expect my self to be playing for the school in nats, but i seriously hope that i can be a reserve. reason 1: i have no ability to play for nats reason 2: if i heng heng get to play in nats, i will do the school shame. so. RESERVE - the right place for me. but if this june i train real hard and i find myself to be of standard to play for nats and i GOT chosen then i would go for it mann. i sound proud and selfish here but WHO cares? roll off one i was having cramps mann! that was like - so unfortunate? first, cramps on 2.4km run. second, cramps on roll off one. CAN THAT BE A COINCIDENCE? OBVIOUSLY FATE IS JUST TRYING TO TEASE ME OR SOMETHING MANNS. ok so i resigned to my fate lah and continued playing. i doubt i would be in the team. not even a reserve. SECOND ROOLL OFF. i had to use my new ball - roto grip super sonic - same as nic's ball - uncle jim chose it for me. i mean I'M NOT BLAMING ANYONE HERE. BUT I THINK: IF I PLAYED WITH TITAN, MAYBE MY SCORES WOULD BE A BIT BETTER. ok it's over, it's over. BOWLING ROX. but i hate going home. from kim seng. it's just one of the most horrid things. let me narrate to you just ONE of the journeys home kays? kays. 970 was packed like sardines. kiwi and nic went to stand at the big space while i still got stuck in the like front part of the bus. then i was about the hold the handle above me when the bus JERKED and i staggered to the left, where an AH BENG stood. not like those shuai and young AH BENG with earrings and tatoos all over but an old one. speaking rude Hokkien and reeked of smoke. i touched him , well just skimmed over his sleeve and he stared into my eyes with fire. i was PISSED LAH> i didn't BANG into him or something. i SKIMMED his sleeve. i was like, bu shuang ah? he was staring into me again lahs. kiwi and nic didn't see it but i was pretty sure i stared at him quite fiercely lahs. then the crowd moved. and i joined kiwi and nic. then this lady who came up the bus was like staring at the 3 of us peculiarly and frowning her eyebrows and staring at us again with that kind of feeling that we were CRIMINALS. then i said to kiwi and nic: look at that lady, she stare at us like that, crazy ah! then they turn around to look at her. then nic say: haha i think she feels weird that 3 ppl are wearing the same clothes or something. i was like: HELLO? haven't she heard of a UNIFORM? dictionary: a kind of clothing that looks entirely the same for students or ppl from the same society to wear so that they maintain discipline and order and work together more cohesively. i felt like reading that out loud to her. ARGH. ok and ppl continued to like stare at us. I SIMPLY HATE THAT. so that's the bad part about bowling.
NOW i'm going to talk about tat stupid mentality again. why must everything start with no. 1? I'M NOT BLAMING ANYONE FOR PUTTING MY NAME AT THE TOP OF THE LIST. i'm not particularly blaming anyone. but why the top name must GO FIRST? a speech, a performance, a desmostration, a representative, a leader, a group-in-charge... i mean, well ppl say it's good when you get chosen you gain more experience and learn more. but not EVERYTIME right? if only EVERYONE understand how i feel. I GET TOTALLY SICK OF IT.
well today is sat and i have the most clear description of yesterday so well let me talk about yesterday then. i was kinda late for school. reached stevens at 7.15 and i rushed to j block but everyone was moving towards parade. so i rushed and caught up. FIRST WAS MATHS> i was like stoning cos i was anticipating the last day of the semester and looking forward towards bowling. fine. i didn't get freaked out or anything. that last maths lesson was quite pleasant compared to others. then it was recess. i forgot what i ate. oh ya i ate two garlic rolls. and me, kim, shyuan, elaine, min, and chng yan were talking about disneyland's theme parks and comparing them to escape theme park .well ALTHOUGH i have not gone to the wadeva disneyland before, i know how exciting it is. and when i think of escape theme park, it's like. SINGAPORE:US = 1: 500. the compound of escape is like not even bigger than the compound of RGS and the design of the place is like yucks. and the rides are not even creative or anything. well. SINGAPORE IS A SAFE COUNTRY. but i dun see any blondes in ESCAPE. ok recess was over. we had to rush to the chem lab and did this experiment when we had to burn salt, green powder and some metal stuff over a bunsen burner. shirley was scared to light the burner as usual, i was scared too, but i did it. the heating of the thing was quite nice lah as in no heat felt, no fear. but the salt kept on crackling. the fun yet fearful part was when we were supposed to heat the metal wire thingy. it BURST into flames but in a few seconds it would have died down. quite scary at first but after all i found it quite fun. after chem was my HORROR. english. speech. 2 min. reg no one start first. ok that SUCKED. -flaring like a fighting fish- i was like i pray i pray. then to my relief she started with the group info report presentation which surprising took 3/4 of the lesson. but so? 15 min left. enough to fit 7 ppl and i was like 100% in that 7. even more surprisingly she decided not to do the speech and asked us to prepare over the holidays. i was like whoohoo~ and almost SCREAMED. but then she gave us extra homework and spent the 5 min in bet lessons teelling us some stuff. i hate it when teachers always take up that 5 min. that 5 min is to let us prepare and break for the next lesson. cos we study in an air conditioned room. if you don't move around for one hour, your legs will probably be numb and your pinafore all crumpled and your fingers will be too stale to write. but teachers for that whole one hour get to move around, stand up as they wish, blah. i know, we're students we just have to sit there and listen, and absorb the info and we have to be you jing shen to carry on for the next lesson but what about our physical status? if we're numb, our brains get numb. no one will be paying attention when the teachers are teaching. the teacher teaches for nothing end up who loses?the teachers! cos they spend so much effort in teaching but yet the students dun understand! (hmm i'm getting better at hilda table cause and effect analysis) mr connolly came in right after english and we were like aww man no chance to move around. but nice mr connolly gave us BACK the 5 min break and i walked one whole round around the classroom .sitting in front gives me more tension. you shld know. i dun know how to explain it lahs. lit was ok yesterday. first we got into groups and discussed what topic we wanted to do for lit pt. we got politics -.- it's like we din even know that we were supposed to go up to the whiteboard to write our choices down lah and we missed the chance to grab for our most desired topic lahs. hmmph! ok what over IS over. then we watched a group presntation by our seniors and then we watched like 5 min of richard the |||. then nice mr connolly let us off like 5 min earlier for us to prepare for assembly we were considerably early for assembly that day, not like other times lahs. i sat with elaine and mavis. mr michael chia came to talk about dehydration. ok i knew long time ago i was dehydrated and i was stoning, but i talked to lainey most of the time. i doubt half the ppl were listening. mavis was busily plucking joellyn's finger off the sticky hall floor. but joellyn seemed expressionless. soon it was time for the reports to be given out. it was like 1.55 and the bowling bus would be leaving at like, 2? and i still needed to change and all that ya knows. miss ha was kinda slow with handling the stuff. then she called us out by index. to take report. i was FIRST and at that precious moment i was somehow RELIEVED that i was reg no one and i chiong to classroom and go toilet and change and rush for the bus. then it was rolloff. yup so that's it for school day on friday. oh ya and my GPA was not bad. 3.14. i was HAPPY. yeah HAPPY. that's the word. NOT SATISFIED, NOT LOST FOR WORDS, NOT DEPRESSED, NOT VERY SHOCKED, NOT SCREAMING FOR JOY. just not sad. not excited. i mean it's like RGS, i dun care if i sound proud here but, it's RGS i'm one of the top 600 students in singapore. my expectations can't be that high. but i needa improve. but i dont expect myself to get a like gpa of 3.8 next term .just a 3.5 will do. cos that's an improvement. an IMPROVEMENT means that i had tried hard to get better grades. and even and improvement by one mark is STILL an improvement. some may say oh it's luck. but it's still an improvement after all, that's a FACT. well out of the 10 sec ones in raffles bolus 05, i was expectedly the worse. well i had 100% expected that. honestly i tell you with all my soul. i know i'm not very clever, i know i'm not dumb. but it just happens that ALL the peeps in bowling have higher average scores. yupp. so i'm happy after all. but somehow i sulked and i suck! oh yah and i forgot after roll off 2 me, nic, kiwi, kavita, and keshia went to kfc for dinner. we talked and laughed the whole time that i almost choked. -.- well that was one of the most memorable times in term 2 . roll offs were over, the term was over. quite relaxing. at that moment i decided not to think of other stressful things. yahs. when i went home i showed report to parents they were quite impressed and were happy that i passed all my subjects. -beam- SOMEHOW I'M ANGRY WITH THOSE WHO GET LIKE GPA 3.6 STH AND SULK THE WHOLE DAY. but maybe they have their ku zhong yahs? yah and the day ended ok. i watched tv the whole night. and slept at a highly early time - 10pm. the last night of term 2. i din need to stay up late and stare at the screen and type type type. not posting like now, but typing drafts and projects. when i slept i look at the clock. wow just 10pm. normally when i loooked at the clock the hour hand would be on the other half of the clock face. BWAHAS. so term 2 ended officially with ME LOOKING AT THE CLOCK FACE AND GRINNING AT HOW EARLY I SLEPT. A PEACEFUL ENDING TO A HUSH TERM.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i had died. really. like what i would become after i died. what does it feel like to die. what does it feel like to stop breathing and leave this world. is it true that we get to heaven or hell after we leave? is it true that there are 18 levels of hell? how do ppl know? unless they have gone there and come back to tell the others. well that's rather illogical isn't it? sometimes when i'm staring at this screen and i wonder, how do these letters and pictures appeared on this plastic plate? why are man so clever to invent all thse fascinating things? how does the cursor move? what is a 'click'? then i look around me and ask myself many more qns. this makes me think of history. mr wolfe is leaving with miss agnes lim to canada to enjoy their holiday. he's a good teacher. sad.
ONE SENTENCE TO CONCLUDE THIS POST: THIS JUNE HOLS, I BETTER IMPROVE MY STATE OF THINKING AND SPEND THE TIME FRUITFULLY.
if i ain't got you|8:05 PM
